Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
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“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
That earthquake could have been an email.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm