“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
You Might Also Like
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.