Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
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The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!