can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
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So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.