ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
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Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!