Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
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I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.