I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
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[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
That’s no pocket rocket.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Why font matters.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.