Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
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‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Me trying to “trust the process”
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.