In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
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In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two