if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
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“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
He’s cranky this morning
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u