One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
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They must have gotten it to go.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions