my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
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Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you