My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
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Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Whoa 😂
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.