You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
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I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Self-cleaning conscience
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside