I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
You Might Also Like
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
rich people when they have to pay taxes
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
Every time.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Noah
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*