did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
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Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.