Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
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Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
accurate
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?