At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
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“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.