I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
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foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty