“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
You Might Also Like
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations