the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
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I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
My what?
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
inside you are two wolves