My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
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Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Watson was Holmes schooled
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.