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A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.