I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
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Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Do one person every day that scares you.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”