Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
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My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation