Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
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You’ll be OK
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.