boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
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Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
these two trucks have the same bed length
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin