picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
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The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.