the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
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Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter