Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
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Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
twitter users today:
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
For the ones in the back.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Oceanography is all about current events
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms