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I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Home is where your toilet is.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
he looks great for his age
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*