Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
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Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS