[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
You Might Also Like
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.