impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
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HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
Had a spot of bother earlier.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters