(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
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Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.