[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
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What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”