Before & after 馃槄
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12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn鈥檛 even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO鈥橲 CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 馃槙
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 馃槵
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We鈥檙e good but we haven鈥檛 got a gig yet.