What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
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Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
My new favorite headline
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
i was baptized in a car wash
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.