Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
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If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?