She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
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In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
We found love in a hopeless place.