*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
You Might Also Like
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.