[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
You Might Also Like
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
my favorite genre of twitter
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Plumber: I think I found the problem
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning