When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
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idk flipping houses looks really hard
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!