Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
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Nice try, NASA
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!