Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
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*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
I need to get some bricks…
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
shut up and take my money
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?