i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
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STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Why is this me 😫
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?