Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
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Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
The photographer’s assistant
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
So creative 😂
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.