[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
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some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years