i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
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ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Just how popey was the pope today?
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
the short answer to this question
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.