[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
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karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”